Feeling yourself from the inside out is the hardest thing to do. You feel all the pain for yourself, and there’s no one else there to explain to you how it feels. It is hard knowing I am the person I am. Knowing how many people have suffered thanks to me. It almost drives me to the point of insanity, but first discuss. Being for myself, all alone in this big world. But I push on. Because had I not pushed myself to the breaking point maybe I would have been elsewhere. Still fending for myself in any marginable way. The pain in my heart is sincere. But I’ve grown to love it. I’ve shared my life with it. Like a brother or a strongly prized position. I have no fear of death; we’ve been so close to each other. Death and I. but something, something powerful has kept us apart. It could be the profound love I have for life, but at that my love for death is greater. Life has grown to bore me. It’s the small things I strive for now. The things I never had. Never got. And then and only then I mayt meet up with death for a movie and dinner.
So sometimes I feel old, like I’m not up to date or compatible with everyone else. Sometimes I get tired of just being so different. Guess the worst part of standing out is you stand alone. Sometimes it’s like I’m in a pool with a crowd of people. And I start to drown. But instead of someone saving me there to busy laughing and I just kind of fade out. Sometimes it feels like people are so caught up looking at me they don’t even realize what’s coming out my mouth or that I can even talk. I guess it would be nice to be average but instead I feel like this tall hot freak. And everyone just expects me to be so much more. Even when I’m all I can be. It seems like I don’t have time to take a break, or have a break down. I haft to be on top of the game all the time. And I just don’t know if that’s what I want. I just want to be the average guy with the average boyfriend who lives’ in a small little apartment. maybe with a dog. I want to wake up in the morning and have somebody to make breakfast for. i want someone who can stop what there doing and just talk. I want to have more than five minutes to take a shit. And more than ten minutes to eat. I don’t want to do diet after diet. Or dye my hair every week. I want a guy who I can argue with every night, or maybe some nights. I want a life that’s less than this life. I want to be average